Wendy Alexander - Hungry Caterpillar

It doesn't really matter what the context this, but this faithful quote alone is enough for Wendy Alexander to find herself added to the Crap Holyrood Chat vaults.

"On Saturday he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon."

In case this is the first time you've heard about it, this occurred during First Minister's Question. Believe it or not.

Christine Grahame - Bah Humbug

Ho, ho, ho....


S1M-3578# Christine Grahame: Bah Humbug-That the Parliament notes that the advertising, promotion and sale of Christmas as a commercial calendar event is now encroaching earlier and earlier in the year and that such activities put unacceptable pressures particularly on parents with young children, leading some understandably into financial difficulties; further notes that retail staff and shoppers are subjected to endless jingles before even Halloween masks have been reduced to half price and pumpkins are buy one get six free, and therefore urges the Scottish Executive to take such steps as are required to consign Christmas to where it belongs, no earlier than the month of December.


Supported by: Mr John McAllion, Mr Jamie Stone, Margaret Smith, Michael Matheson, Robin Harper*

Murdo Fraser - Too Much Wind

A somewhat bizarre motion from Murdo, tabled in 2005:

S2M-2365 Murdo Fraser: Wind Farm on Salisbury Crags —That the Parliament welcomes the proposal by Calton Hill Energy to construct a wind farm on Salisbury Crags in Edinburgh and the contribution that this proposal will make to public attitudes in the city towards onshore wind turbine developments; agrees that it makes sense to construct wind turbines close to areas of population density where most power is consumed rather than in remote and rural areas; looks forward to seeing proposals for the construction of wind turbines on the roofs of prominent Edinburgh buildings such as Edinburgh Castle, St Giles, the Balmoral Hotel and the Palace of Holyroodhouse, and believes that the Scottish Parliamentary Corporate Body should investigate the possibility of erecting 125-metre-high turbines on the roof of the Holyrood building.

Supported by: Alex Johnstone, Mr David Davidson, David Mundell, Lord James Douglas-Hamilton, Mr Brian Monteith*

George Foulkes - Serial offender

Let's be honest, an entry from George Foulkes was always on the cards....




Scottish Parliament written answers — First Minister: First Minister (18 Jun 2008)
George Foulkes: To ask the Scottish Executive when it expects the First Minister to take his first journey by train since his appointment.

This is perhaps the most pointless and (clearly) partisan question that I saw George Foulkes had asked of the 30 questions that I looked through from the good Lord.





And over what timescale have these 30 entries amassed? An elected MSP would have that many questions for the Government over what, a year? 6 months? Maybe even 3 months?





No, 11 days.





George Foulkes asked 30 questions of the Scottish Government between 16th June 2008 and 27th June 2008. And that was just the random part of the year that I landed on so is probably not even a special case.





I'm surprised the Scottish Government manages to get anything else done!


Crap chat m'Lord, get your manor in order...

Shirley-Anne Somerville and Pauline McNeill

Well, the chat here I think is perfectly valid but since it gives the chance to get 2 more names on the tag list I thought I'd go for it.

The reason for the posting is there is some sort of irony that these two worthy motions ended up beside each other on the motions list.

One, without argument, is more worthy than the other....

S3M-1370 Shirley-Anne Somerville: Put Edinburgh on the Global Monopoly Board—That the Parliament notes that Hasbro, the maker of Monopoly, is making a global edition of the popular board game; backs the campaign by Edinburgh residents to see Scotland’s capital city included on the board; further notes that, on account of its popularity with residents, tourists and travel writers, Edinburgh is one of the 68 worldwide cities being considered for the global board, and encourages all those who want to see Edinburgh included to vote for the city on the monopoly website before voting closes on 29 February 2008.

Supported by: Alasdair Allan, Christine Grahame, George Foulkes, Rob Gibson, Ian McKee, Bashir Ahmad, Stuart McMillan, Bill Kidd, Jamie Hepburn, Gil Paterson

S3M-1369 Pauline McNeill: The Continuing Humanitarian Crisis in the Gaza Strip—That the Parliament expresses its continuing concern about the ongoing blockade of Gaza and the Israeli Government’s decision to begin reducing the electricity supply to 1.5 million Palestinians, including children and innocent civilians, many of whom already live in poverty,

I wonder if Palestine will scrape onto the Hasbro board as Old Kent Road? Or will Israel get involved on the 'Free Parking' slot? (think about it....)

Back on track - John Lamont

As anyone who has read Lord of the Flies or Animal Farm (or been a member of a Scottish Socialist party) will know, to be part of a collective is no easy task. Eventually, the subtle differences in the aims of those who are involved diverge, some feel they are more equal than others and the project inevitably becomes pulled apart at the seams.

Well, thanks to the many authors of this blog and the recent posts that have strayed dramatically from the original mission statement, the mighty Crap Holyrood Chat blog has seen its numbers plummet and has skated narrowly close to the plight of ruin and ridicule.

So, I have metaphorically grabbed the conch and am getting things back on track, 'pruning' posts that I feel were not part of the CHC remit and reinforcing the raison d'etre of what this blog is about:

Per CHC Mission Statement: The time is therefore right to publicly humiliate any MSP who brings "crap chat" to the chamber. We need these people to feel the fire of the electorate beneath their feet and if they can't bring the quality and the professionalism to the job, then they shall be turfed out at the next election in favour of an eloquent, capable woman or man who can do the job instead.

No more the tawdry suggestions of sex stories, no more the partisan cat-calling of who was campaigning where in Glasgow East and, dear God, no more the inane tale of the Holyrood Mars Bar cake.

Instead, dear reader(s), I give you Voytek the Bear.

S3M-1262 John Lamont: Voytek the Bear—That the Parliament endorses the campaign to give proper recognition to Voytek the "Soldier Bear", who served in the Polish army during the Second World War and was billeted near Hutton in Berwickshire before retiring to Edinburgh Zoo; recognises the affection with which he was held by his comrades, and urges MSPs to support efforts to secure a permanent memorial to an unlikely war hero.

Let there be no mistake, I don't care how cute or brave this bear might have been, this is solid gold Crap Holyrood Chat.

Shall I name names?

Which senior MSP blotched his copybook in front of a group of researchers in the Parliament canteen by explaining to them that the Tories picked the wrong candidate in the Glasgow by-election as “a coloured candidate was never going to work in Glasgow East.”

Rumbles the abstainer attacks abstaining

In his platform piece in yesterday’s Scotsman ‘change rather than continuity is the way ahead for Lib Dems’ Mike Rumbles attacked the stance that the Lib Dems took in the budget debate (as well in the majority of debates on various issues) in abstaining in the final vote.

I guess Mr Rumbles is just putting across his firebrand credentials whilst trying to convince Lib Dem voters that if they want a change then he is their man. It is interesting to note, however, that when it came down to voting in the Budget instead of following the lead of Cathie Craigie in voting against the budget, Mr Rumbles meekly abstained in the vote.

Words are all fine and well Mr Rumbles but we’ve seen very little in the way of actual action to back them up.

Lib Demery

Your friends at Crap Holyrood chat have, mainly due to the boredom and monotony associated with recess, taken an interest in the Lib Dem leadership. Far from us to dismiss it as nothing more than the fourth party of Scottish Politics choosing someone else to lead them into electoral oblivion, instead I think a wee look at the runners and riders would be far more entertaining (ahem)

Ross Finnie.

The Captain Mainwaring of Scottish Politics (aesthetically anyway) was the second man to throw his hat into that ring. I’d love to list the many great things that he has done, instead I’ll leave Jim Tolson MSP, on Ross Finnie's Facebook group, to explain why all Lib Dems should vote for Finnie… Here goes:

WHY I’M SUPPORTING ROSS FINNIE FOR LEADER

Since being elected to the Scottish Parliament in May 2007 I have worked closely with all candidates.

Having spoken to each candidate at length each has their own distinct qualities but in my opinion Ross Finnie is the best Candidate of all three for the Job because;

-Ross has the greatest ministerial experience and was the most respected and longest serving minister of all the candidates.

-Ross is a tactful and thoughtful politician that has worked hard to enhance the reputation of the Scottish Liberal Democrat Party.

-Ross engages with fellow MSPs and staff alike.

-Ross displays great leadership qualities- giving direction and always providing support when needed.

-Ross cares passionately about people and politics, knowing that neither is mutually exclusive.

-Ross is a very well schooled and knowledgeable politician which he has shown in his ministerial and shadow cabinet duties.

Vote Ross Finnie for Leader!

Jim Tolson MSP

Thoroughly lovely Jim. Frankly a bit on the gushing side and makes you sound a bit like someone that wets the bed but yeah, lovely none the less.

Mike ‘Rumble in the Jungle’ Rumbles

The man that inspired Ant and Dec to write ‘Let’s get ready to Rumble’ not long after one of them was blinded in a harrowing paint ball incident in Byker Grove, was the first to announce that he fancied the gig of being Lib Dem leader. Mikey also appears to have not only one Facebook group dedicated to his dream of being leader, he has two! Saying that, one seems in jest. Also, a look through the members of the group makes for interesting reading, not quite as interesting as the list for those who haven’t yet replied including Chris Huhne, Nick Clegg and Ming Campbell – so it seems that Grumbles doesn’t have the backing of the high heidiens of the party…well…not on Facebook anyway.

And finally….

Tavish Scott

Seems the front runner at present. Don’t have that much to say about him other than he likes dressing up as a Viking. Fair play to him. Also, he apparently has the backing of 6 MSPs at the moment, clearly favourite to win it then and I've now stopped caring.

Anyone have any thoughts? Anyone care?

Kenneth Gibson, Robert Brown and Margaret Curran

Well, not content with contending the Glasgow East by-election and putting together a potential challenge for the Labour leadership, Margaret Curran has also found the time to positively skewer Kenny Gibson for some Crap Holyrood Chat. Indeed, this was the inaugural Crap Holyrood Chat if memory serves correctly.

Margaret was assisted to this end by Robert Brown. The Labour / Lib Dem coalition lives on!

Original Motion
S3M-02296 Kenneth Gibson (Cunninghame North) (Scottish National Party): Glasgow East By-Election— That the Parliament condemns the Labour Party for its decision to call the Glasgow East by-election on 24 July 2008 in the middle of the Glasgow Fair, when Glaswegians are traditionally on holiday; is aware that such a decision will disenfranchise thousands of voters who will be unable to secure a postal or proxy vote in a constituency that already has a history of low electoral turnouts; believes that Labour’s decision to call the by-election so quickly is due to a chronic fear of the SNP winning one of its safest seats; considers that calling a by-election so swiftly does not allow voters time to effectively assess the merits of individual candidates and policies, and is of the view that for the democratic process to work effectively by-elections should be held not less than eight weeks after the writ is moved.
Supported by: Stuart McMillan, Keith Brown, Christina McKelvie, Bashir Ahmad Lodged on Wednesday, July 02, 2008;

S3M-02296.1 Robert Brown (Glasgow) (Scottish Liberal Democrats): Glasgow East By-Election— As an amendment to motion S3M-2296 in the name of Kenneth Gibson (Glasgow East By-Election), leave out from “believes that Labour’s” to end and insert “notes, however, the SNP’s poor electoral record in Westminster elections and that the Liberal Democrats are the challengers to Labour in Scotland at that level, with 12 seats to the SNP’s six and with the most recent by-election gain in Scotland being by the Liberal Democrats at Dunfermline and West Fife; further notes that the SNP is in any event largely irrelevant in Westminster elections, with one of their most senior MPs hardly ever in attendance, and believes that the electorate in Glasgow East is more than capable of identifying both the failures of the Labour Government at Westminster and the many u-turns and broken promises that are the hallmark of the SNP government, including those on class sizes, police numbers, student debt, first-time buyer grants and slashed support for Glasgow Science Centre.”Supported by: Ross Finnie, Hugh O'Donnell, Tavish Scott, Mike Pringle Lodged on Thursday, July 03, 2008;

S3M-02296 S3M-02296.2 Margaret Curran (Glasgow Baillieston) (Scottish Labour): Glasgow East By-Election— As an amendment to motion S3M-2296 in the name of Kenneth Gibson (Glasgow East By-Election), leave out from “condemns” to end and insert “notes that if a by-election is not held in Glasgow East now, the earliest that the rules permit a by-election to be held is at the end of October 2008; notes that when an MP resigns, a writ for a by-election cannot be moved during the summer, unlike when an MP dies or is elevated to the peerage; believes that the people of Glasgow East should not go without a voice for four months; supports the decision to call a by-election now, and condemns the SNP for trying to deny the people of Glasgow East a voice until the end of October.”

Shiona Baird and Mike Rumbles

Mike Rumbles: The member keeps talking about sustainable business. Does that mean that she is in favour of economic growth?

Shiona Baird: We have always maintained that economic growth is essential, but that it must be sustainable. When I say that, I am referring to the terms of the Brundtland definition of sustainability. If Mike Rumbles looks that up, he will find out exactly what we mean.

Mike Rumbles: Tell us.

Shiona Baird: Does the member not know the Brundtland definition of sustainability? I am sorry. [Interruption.]

The Deputy Presiding Officer (Trish Godman): You should be finishing now, Ms Baird.

Shiona Baird: It is desperately disappointing that none of those members seems to know the Brundtland definition of sustainability, when the Scottish Parliament is supposed to be mainstreaming sustainability.

Mike Rumbles: The member does not know it.

Shiona Baird: Of course I do. Scotland's future sustainability will rely on the ability of our small businesses to meet the challenges of a world that is scarred by climate change and hampered by resource depletion. In the future, local economies will be more important than national economies. Increasingly, we will turn to small businesses. We must acknowledge that and put in place measures that will ensure their long-term survival.

I will meet Mr Rumbles outside for cup of coffee, when I will tell him what he wants to know.

So, on the off-chance that anyone's interested and if you're not lucky enough to have a coffee date with Ms Baird, the Brundtland definition of sustainability is as follows:

"Sustainable development is development that meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs."

Had enough crap?

One of the Labour researchers has. And who can blame him, given the scale of said crap? Having said that, I'm not sure why it's the government's fault when their backbenchers submit crap.

In any case, he emailed everyone (and I do mean everyone) as follows:

Dear reader

These motions are part of public record. The frequency which these types of motions appear are an abuse of parliamentary privilege. It reduces the business bulletin to the "letters page" as submitted by Belligerent (of Beith).

Perhaps there should be a motion put forward on bringing the parliament into disrepute. Perhaps the guidance on how to prepare motions should be updated.

It is disappointing that an administration of any political colour should allow this to continue. The people of Scotland expect better!

Disappointed (of Dundee)

Kenneth Gibson: S3M-02310 Irrelevance of the Liberal Democrats
That the Parliament recognises the utter irrelevance of the Liberal Democrats; believes that they are the architects of their own increasing marginalisation by their refusal to recognise the changing landscape of Scottish politics, which has shown that minority government can work and that their status as kingmakers to the largest party is now redundant; notes the unexpected vacancy for position of Scottish Liberal Democrat leader; considers that there has been a continued decline in Liberal Democrat fortunes in opinion polls, council and by-elections across the United Kingdom, and is saddened that they are still misguided enough in considering that their party is a credible force in Scottish politics.

Nicola Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon manages to find the dividing line between crap Holyrood chat and cracking Holyrood chat quite excellently here.

On one hand, a witty riposte to Wendy Alexander and on the other hand, a blow which is very much below the belt.

Like Nicola herself, the line is short and sweet (no prizes for guessing who is typing this post!)

Nicola Sturgeon: I have listened carefully to what Wendy Alexander has said over the past few days—that is, of course, when she has not been asserting her right to remain silent.

Ouch!

The Mystery of the Missing Mars Bar Cake

The culinary delights of the Parliament canteen are a well kept secret. Delicacies such as boiled courgettes, watermelon mayonnaise or beetroot coleslaw memorable only for their aftertaste... However the Parliament does do a fine line in MarsBar cake.

- That's right a tray bake of rice crispies combined with 17 melted mars bars topped with melted mars bar. It's a treat. And a heart-attack.

However, its absence has been mourned by a number of researchers for many weeks now. Crap Holyrood Chat decided to investigate and Parliamentary authorities inform us that the MarsBar Cake has been deliberately removed due to the canteen recently being awarded a prestigious Healthy Living Award.

Bastards.

Alex Salmond

Yes, difficult as it is to believe, even our dear leader has let out some crap chat during his time in the Holyrood building.

Following on from Alex Johnstone's ungentlemanly comments directed towards Jackie Baillie, our First Minister managed to escape censure for this ungallant exchange with Annabel Goldie during First Minister's Questions:

Annabel Goldie (West of Scotland) (Con):

I endorse the congratulations to Scotland's rugby players on winning the Calcutta cup. I tell them to be of good heart, as every time Scotland has won the grand slam it has been under a Conservative Government. There is not long to wait, boys.

The First Minister (Alex Salmond):

I am pondering which position Annabel Goldie is lining herself up for in the Scottish rugby team.

Annabel Goldie:

That is a matter of private interest but not something that I would ever discuss with the First Minister.

Alex! My goodness man! Let's keep things civil at the very least, especially at FMQs of all places...!

Not such a bright idea!

Now and again, working in the Scottish Parliament can feel like a bad episode of The Office. Today, was one of those days.

I've just witnessed 3 workmen take the bulb out of every desklamp on the ground floor and replace them with a slightly softer tone lightbulb - throwing the perfectly bright, old halogen lightbulbs in the bucket...

It's just bizarre and a total waste of money! They'll be bringing people in to file the sharp edges off the paper clips next...

Alex Johnstone

Right, let's get back to business. Crap Holyrood Chat is the name of the blog and crap Holyrood chat is what you're going to get.

Next in the limelight is a Tory, a first for the blog (I think, the multititude of authors makes it difficult to keep track.)

Alex Johnstone came out with this whopper a while back in the parliament and it definitely merits inclusion in the CHC vaults:

Alex Johnstone (North East Scotland) (Con): Aye, right. Robert Brown opened his speech by questioning the order in which the final speeches are being made. I will not do that, because I know the procedures in this Parliament and how the order is decided. Sadly, I cannot say that the Liberal party's lack of understanding of the procedures is the reason why it has behaved in the way that it has today, but I will say more about that.
First, I want to talk about the Labour Party and what it proposes in its motion. It is a disappointment that, once again, the rump of the Scottish Labour Party has come to the Parliament and demonstrated that it neither understands nor can cope with the notion of opposition.

Jackie Baillie: Will the member give way?

Alex Johnstone: The tradition in this Parliament is that if a member mentions someone in their speech, they give them a chance to reply—so I give way to the rump of the Scottish Labour Party.

Jackie Baillie: I advise the member that the Presiding Officers care about the language that is employed in the chamber.

I ask the member, who is evidently confused—along with his colleague Mr Brownlee—if he is not aware that David McLetchie contributed to the Labour motion that is before us? Could he perhaps tell me what rule or standing order has been changed? Does he agree that no motion that is contrary to the standing orders would be accepted by the Presiding Officer? Why are the Tories rejecting the opportunity for debate on the budget priorities? Perhaps the answer lies in the price that the Tories extracted from the SNP for denying the Parliament the right to debate.

The Deputy Presiding Officer: I remind Mr Johnstone to be very careful with his language—I was not happy about your last comment.

Oh dear, oh dear Alex. Where are your manners old boy!?

Cracking Holyrood Chat - Mike Russell

The SNP have taken a right battering on these pages, and quite rightly so given the poor standard in some of the motions.

But, I did say that this blog wouldn't solely focus on crap Holyrood chat but would, from time to time, showcase the cracking Holyrood chat that does come about.

Take a bow - Mike Russell (SNP)

Is there any other MSP who could pluck the phrase "self-serving, head-of-a-pin, pettifogging" out of the air?

The Minister for Environment (Michael Russell): I find myself in some difficulty, because the opening sentences of my speaking notes say:

"This has been a very valuable and useful debate. I welcome the contributions and views that have been expressed".

I publicly dissociate myself from that opinion. This has not been a "valuable and useful debate." It is of some significance that not one member has declared an interest—because there has been no interest in the debate. Outside the chamber, there will be no interest in the debate. By insisting on holding this debate, Robert Brown has succeeded in wasting everybody's time. Labour members have been very cute—they knew that first of all.

Robert Brown rose—

Michael Russell: No, Mr Brown, do not waste any more of my time. My keynote for this summing-up speech is just to get through it.

At the start of the debate, only three out of 16 Lib Dem members were present. They were not going to have Mr Brown wasting their time. Mr Chisholm did worse—only six out of 41 Labour members were in the chamber for the start of the debate. Even Mr Fraser managed just three out of 16. Those absent members knew that this afternoon's debate was pointless. It was a pointless occasion, and it was one of those occasions that do the Parliament no good whatever. Let us be ruthlessly honest about it: this was political theatre for those who are paid to be here. The debate had no other meaning.

David Whitton: Will the minister give way?

Michael Russell: No, I will not give way. My intention is just to get through this. I just want to get through it and go home. Just understand that, all right? [Interruption.]

The Deputy Presiding Officer: Order.

Mr McAveety: On a point of order, Presiding Officer. Is it appropriate for a minister, in responding to a debate, to say that he is here only "to get through it"?

Michael Russell: Yup.

The Deputy Presiding Officer: That is for the chamber to judge.

Michael Russell: It is appropriate for ministers to tell the truth, which is what I intend to do.
Let us consider the record of Labour in opposition when it matters and the issues that it has brought to the Parliament. In the past year, Labour has had 19 debates and of those—this is a fact and facts are chiels that winna ding—only five contained a policy proposal and one of them was on the Calman commission, which does not count as a policy in any way. That leaves four policy proposals, of which only two were new ideas. Labour in opposition is not moving Scotland forward, it is moving itself backward. There was nothing new in the five Lib Dem debates either—not one new policy was proposed. Even the Tories have a better record than that.
This afternoon, we have heard several dismal speeches that were designed only to carp. I accept that many of them were fairly entertaining, but I want to single out one that was not. I can describe Johann Lamont's speech only as a sour and bitter attack full of smears and false innuendo all shrouded in a cloak of false indignation about parliamentary accountability. What annoys Johann Lamont and so many other Labour members is not that we have failed to be accountable but that the people of Scotland like what we are doing.
I understand the frustration that somebody who has spent their career saying that something cannot be done will feel when they discover not only that it is being done but that it is being done well, but my advice to Johann Lamont and to other Labour members is to get over it and start contributing to the debate. That has been the constant theme of the debate. There can be no criticism of things that are not happening—that is not possible.

Johann Lamont: Will the minister give way?

Michael Russell: No, I will not.

The criticism is of what has been happening—the successes that are taking place and the intention to continue to make things happen. Let me be absolutely clear on the issue of smaller class sizes. I am happy to do so, as it is a policy with which I am proud to be associated.

Bill Butler (Glasgow Anniesland) (Lab): Will the minister give way on that point?

Michael Russell: Smaller class sizes are vital to Scotland. We have argued for them constantly. The concordat with local government creates the framework for their operation.

Bill Butler: Will the minister give way?

Murdo Fraser: Will the minister give way?

Michael Russell: No, Mr Fraser.
Councils and the Government are working hard to achieve that.

Bill Butler rose—

The Deputy Presiding Officer: Order. Mr Butler, sit down.

Michael Russell: No amount of self-serving, head-of-a-pin, pettifogging opposition will stop smaller class sizes in Scotland. That is my message to Jeremy Purvis.

Bill Butler rose—

Murdo Fraser rose—

Michael Russell: No, I will not give way—I am sorry. I want to finish and I am going to finish.

The Presiding Officer (Alex Fergusson): Order. The minister has made it clear that he will not give way.

Lewis Macdonald (Aberdeen Central) (Lab): On a point of order, Presiding Officer. I understand that the standing orders require members to treat one another with courtesy. To launch a personal attack on a member and then refuse an intervention from that member is surely the height of discourtesy.

The Presiding Officer: It is entirely up to the speaker whether they take an intervention. I have only just come into the chair, so I am not aware of any earlier exchanges.

Michael Russell: Presiding Officer—

Margo MacDonald: Will the minister give way?

Michael Russell: No, I am sorry.

The Presiding Officer: Order. The minister has made it clear that he is not giving way.

Michael Russell: Believe me, Presiding Officer, I am showing all the courtesy that I can summon at this stage in the debate.
Some of the criticism has involved accusing the Government of being populist, but the real objection is that we are popular, not populist. The Government's mission is to meet and match the rising ambitions of the people of Scotland and to improve their daily lives. That is a popular ambition and one that we will fulfil. Moreover, people know it. Research that was carried out between May and November showed that trust in the Scottish Government had increased by 20 percentage points in a year, from 51 per cent to 71 per cent, which is twice the level of public trust that is placed in the Westminster Government.
We have laid out a range of proposals and activities that we will bring forward. The First Minister will set out the full details of our legislative programme in September. As he did two weeks ago, he will mark a visionary course for Scotland—one that is full of detail, that will continue to drive Scotland forward and that will appeal to the Scottish people. The only critics of it will be those who do not understand the thirst and ambition of the Scottish people for change.

Bravo!!!

Stuart McMillan

I have to admit, I have something of a soft spot for this motion. I think it's got a bit of wit and intelligence behind it. But still, such blatant use of motions to champion the cause of independence can not go unchecked.

So, somewhat grudgingly, Stuart McMillan has his first entry in the Crap Holyrood Chat vaults.

S3M-02168 Stuart McMillan (West of Scotland) (Scottish National Party): Parliament Celebrates Independence...Day—

That the Parliament welcomes the decision by Sodexho to celebrate independence by producing a menu in the Parliament for American Independence Day on 4 July; notes that the occasion is marked in the United States with a national holiday; hopes when Scotland becomes independent that similar celebrations and festivities will take place on an annual basis, and also notes that this year America celebrates 232 years of independence.

Kenny Gibson is likely to get a kick-in on this blog

Dear oh dear…

S3M-02288 Kenneth Gibson (Cunninghame North) (Scottish National Party): Humiliation in Henley— That the Parliament understands that Labour came fifth in the Henley by-election; considers that this catastrophic result for the Prime Minister on the eve of his first anniversary in power is a clear signal that he has lost any confidence that the public may once have had in him and the UK Labour government; is aware that Labour’s moral authority to govern is diminishing by the day with even the pro-Labour media, party apparatchiks and nomenklatura losing faith; contrasts the dynamic, visionary “can do” attitude of Scotland’s minority SNP government in Edinburgh with the stagnation, dithering and ineptitude of Labour at Westminster; wishes to see former First Minister, Rt hon Jack McConnell, appointed High Commissioner to Malawi as soon as possible, in order for him to work for the betterment of that country, while allowing a by-election in Scotland that will allow for the election of an SNP MSP who will work for the benefit of ours.

Bill Kidd

Yet another helpful motion which will work wonders in addressing the challenges that Glasgow and Scotland face in the twenty-first century.

S3M-2024 Bill Kidd: The Labour Party’s Cash Crisis

"That the Parliament notes the serious financial difficulties facing the Labour Party, which has five weeks to find over £7 million pounds to pay off outstanding loans or face the possibility of the Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP and other senior officials becoming personally liable and subsequently facing possible bankruptcy; believes that the scale of continuing financial mismanagement within the Labour Party raises serious concerns over its ability to control the finances of the United Kingdom, and further believes, that given that according to Labour sources "the party’s constitution is like a five-a-side football club", it is of little wonder that so few voters now trust the UK Government."

The site seems dominated by SNP and Liberal Democrat MSPs so far. Surely there must be some partisan comments from elsewhere?

Oh and what's wrong with five-a-side football clubs? My club is very well run.

Pringle Weavers motion

What do you want to see from a local elected representative when a famous brand of weavers announce that they are moving their factory from your constituency?

Why, you do your utmost to keep the firm there.

Well, that should be the case, apparently not when you are Christine Grahame though, instead, she puts down a motion demanding that Pringle Weavers desist from using the Lion Rampant emblem.

At times, you couldn’t make it up.

S3M-02304 Christine Grahame (South of Scotland) (Scottish National Party): Pringle of Scotland No More— That the Parliament notes with regret the recent decision by Pringle of Scotland to end production of its manufacturing operations in Hawick, bringing to an end almost 200 years of production in Scotland; notes further that Pringle relies heavily on the “Scottish brand” to market its products and considers that it should desist from using the Lion Rampant emblem and any reference to Scotland in its marketing which, in the circumstances, is entirely misleading, and further urges the Scottish Government to explore all legal avenues to prevent the use of these Scottish references should the company fail to do so voluntarily.

Robert Brown

It looks like we're well underway now.

Given that Holyrood is in recess until September this site might be slow going at first. However that just gives us time to look back at some of the less worthy motions and comments which been made in Parliament.

Jeff kicked it off with comments from SNP MSP Kenny Gibson. It therefore only seems fair, by way of balance, to follow this with a response from Liberal Democrat MSP Robert Brown to another Kenny Gibson motion.

S3M-2296.1 Robert Brown: Glasgow East By-Election

As an amendment to motion (S3M-2296) in the name of Kenneth Gibson, leave out from "believes that Labour’s" to end and insert "notes, however, the SNP’s poor electoral record in Westminster elections and that the Liberal Democrats are the challengers to Labour in Scotland at that level, with 12 seats to the SNP’s six and with the most recent by-election gain in Scotland being by the Liberal Democrats at Dunfermline and West Fife; further notes that the SNP is in any event largely irrelevant in Westminster elections, with one of their most senior MPs hardly ever in attendance, and believes that the electorate in Glasgow East is more than capable of identifying both the failures of the Labour Government at Westminster and the many u-turns and broken promises that are the hallmark of the SNP government, including those on class sizes, police numbers, student debt, first-time buyer grants and slashed support for Glasgow Science Centre."

Kenneth Gibson

The conception for this blog came unwittingly from a post I created on my own blog after I heard about some brainless comments from a certain MSP. The brilliant Ideas of Civilisation pushed me to start the blog and that brings us present.

So, it seems appropriate that the dubious honour of the first Crap Holyrood Chat posting should go to that same MSP - Kenneth Gibson.

Kenneth Gibson: S3M-02310 Irrelevance of the Liberal Democrats

That the Parliament recognises the utter irrelevance of the Liberal Democrats; believes that they are the architects of their own increasing marginalisation by their refusal to recognise the changing landscape of Scottish politics, which has shown that minority government can work and that their status as kingmakers to the largest party is now redundant; notes the unexpected vacancy for position of Scottish Liberal Democrat leader; considers that there has been a continued decline in Liberal Democrat fortunes in opinion polls, council and by-elections across the United Kingdom, and is saddened that they are still misguided enough in considering that their party is a credible force in Scottish politics.

Raise your game please Kenny. Though I suspect you will be a regular feature on this blog!

Crap Holyrood Chat - Mission Statement

Hello there.

For too long Holyrood has been derided as a Mickey Mouse Parliament, a talking shop where little gets done and the calibre of politician is woeful.

The time is therefore right to publicly humiliate any MSP who brings "crap chat" to the chamber. We need these people to feel the fire of the electorate beneath their feet and if they can't bring the quality and the professionalism to the job, then they shall be turfed out at the next election in favour of an eloquent, capable woman or man who can do the job instead.

Although this blog is chiefly to register any unnecessary partisan rants, intellectually-lacking speeches and/or ignorant waffling from our MSPs, there is always space for those rare moments when an MSP comes out with a golden phrase or a witty line or three.

And to ensure this blog is as thorough and complete as it could possibly be, I am more than happy to send out author invites to those who may be interested in posting, particularly those who are much closer to the day-to-day Holyrood action than I am.

So thank you for your interest and let us all look together to a brighter future, free of crap Holyrood chat.